I feel maintaining healthy relationships are so hard nowadays because we have so many false prophets, “expertise”, and professionals telling us how we should function in your relationships. Letting you know who you should forgive and who needs to be let go or cut off. There are so many quotes floating around on social media, where it’s hard to decide if it’s wisdom or unrealistic advice.
The reason I call it unrealistic advice because it is coming from an unhealed perspective. Being unhealed will not allow an individual to project fear, sorrow, and confusion into your life other’s lives. The more trauma you experience, it is more difficult to trust and maintain healthy relationships in life. I will not lie, I had a bad habit of cutting people off in my life if they did not do the things I thought were worthy of my time, energy, or I figured was too hard for me to handle.
The truth is that cutting people off was really my way of being afraid of putting my all in any relationship. I felt if I put my all into the relationship then I would just end up hurt and in pain as I usually do. When I think about it, it’s hard for any of my family members on both sides to maintain functional and healthy relationships. I am beginning to understand where some of my dysfunctional patterns come from that I have faced any relationship in my life. This involves work, intimate, personal, or business.
When you are hanging with your family, it’s so easy to fit in and communicate in patterns and ways that are familiar to you all. Patterns and habits are considered dysfunctional when they disrupt blessings, growth, and change in your life.
Nothing is ever meant to stay the same on earth. Life has an interesting way of letting you know when things in your life are no longer serving you. Sometimes you will not get a chance to learn anything different unless you meet others outside your family dynamic. Where you notice the dysfunction that’s been past down from generations to generations. Many will pretend like it’s a way of life, but actually it dysfunction that was created from the trauma of our lives to survive.
Many are unable to imagine a life without surviving due to a large amount of trauma that most were subjected too. This is coming from a person, who has experienced different aspects of trauma.
As much as everyone would like to flaunt the motto of “ I don’t need anyone but myself. This is a lie. No one can do any and everything by themselves. We need others and we need relationships. Those who have adapted to this motto are low key miserable. I know I was when I decided to adapt to it.
Many are having a hard time especially millennials and Generation Z women with maintaining healthy relationships. Many of us are repeating some of the same learned behavior patterns that we hate in others. Except with our generation, we are justifying our toxic behaviors due to lack of or exposed too. Sorry to say, but this doesn’t justify our behavior.
I had many dysfunctional habits and patterns that I carried in all relationships in my life, which was unable to forgive others, holding onto grudges, holding on to bitterness, showing a lack of grace toward others who were sorry, lack of communication involving the truth, unwilling to face the truth of the situation , negative thought patterns, and unwillingness to trust again once I was hurt by anyone. I still have a long list, but I will keep it simple for now. I can admit these things now but a year ago it was hard for me to face them or admit it.
2019 is all about reaching for the goals I desire to obtain and unlearning anything that no longer served who I am becoming. My reality will never change if I continue to hold onto these toxic behaviors that will continue to jeopardize the relationships in my life (all). Here are three ways I am learning to break toxic behaviors:
1.Learn To Call A Spade a Spade About Self (Tell the truth)
Honestly, it is so easy for me to point out the wrong in someone, which I am sometimes so quick to notice what’s wrong with others. This is when I would begin to judge others for their mistakes, shortcomings, and flaws, but I was unable to face my own.
I am learning now when an obstacle comes in my life involving any relationship. I must learn to accept what needs change within self or what do I need to move on from in my life that is keeping stuck in a certain area in my life. Both perspectives help me to recognize my power in the situation.
Matthew 7:3-5 CEV,” You can see the speck in your friend’s eye, but you don’t notice the log in your own eye. How can you say, “My friend, let me take the speck out of your eye,” when you don’t see the log in your own eye? You’re nothing but show-offs! First, take the log out of your own eye; then you can see how to take the speck out of your friend’s eye.”
The truth will always set you free and assist you to proceed on with the healing that you deserve, which leads to our second point.
2.Face The Truth
It is one thing to acknowledge the truth but another thing to accept the truth. The truth is hard to accept especially when we live in a world filled with illusions and fantasies. Which are dreams that can never bring fulfillment because it is not a part of our true life’s path?
When getting rid of your toxic behaviors it is important to accept what you have done to others and allow yourself to feel the hurt and pain you have caused. Then you must begin to let it go. Even though, you may have been the victim in a toxic situation doesn’t mean you are not toxic.
If anything, it proves that you are because your energy was subjected to the negative incident. Some many times, we put the blame on the perpetrators but not the victim. It takes two to argue.
No one will sit a long period of time arguing with self unless they are struggling with mental health issues. Always hold yourself accountable for your actions no matter the outcome because you are in charge of your own healing, which is the power within itself.
3. Heal and Move On
Many people now understand the process of when you get hurt your body will heal. When it comes to your emotional or mental well-being many are unaware of how to heal themselves.
When I think of a breakthrough, I think of an emotional and mental breakthrough. This is a good and long cry. Many were taught not to indulge the very thing that will set them free, which is crying. Once you cry, you begin to feel stronger within, which releases the toxins that were held within.
Praying to God and asking for strength and forgiveness will allow your breakthrough to be some much better. When you are hurt, many are unaware of the negative energy that they subjected too. This can be stress, anger, greed, pride, gluttony, lust, greediness, or etc.
It is best to always to remain conscious of your emotions and mental well-being, so you will know when self-care needs to be incorporated into your life for the well-being of self and those around you. Many tend to underestimate how interconnected each of us is. We tend to feed into each other’s energy rather it’s positive or negative.
The way you move on from your toxic behavior is to begin to understand the concept that anything in life that is a loss will always be replaced with better in your life. This is a perfect opportunity for God to display miracles and increases in your life because you must lose something in order to gain something better. We must get rid of our toxic because the old version of self cannot handle new blessings and positive change.
I hope you push your pride to the side and begin to complete the task of learning from your toxic behaviors so you will not continue the cycle of facing the same toxic situations over and over again. Life is too precious to live with toxicity for the rest of your life.
There is peace, love, and abundance with your name on it. If you learn to acknowledge, accept, heal and move on from the people and things they are no longer serving. You do your part and God will do his part. Walk-in obedience today.