Being honest with you, I can admit that I have a commitment problem. Not the kind where I’m not willing to commit to one person, but it is hard for me to invest my all into one person. I always give them half of myself because to avoid heartache or break.
My biggest fear was giving my all to one person and they leave me with nothing but memories and lessons. I pray to find a mate who will not complete me but compliment who I am as a woman and support me to be better. One of my favorite songs growing up was Lions, Tigers, and Bears by Jazmine Sullivan. My soul connected to that song because I could relate deeply to the fear of loving someone.
I felt I could achieve anything but I always thought I was incapable of loving unconditionally. I have never been loved unconditionally, so it was hard for me to envision myself as doing such. I believe I am so fearful of true commitment because I have seen a lot of good and strong relationships end so badly. I never wanted to invest time and energy into a relationship that was not guaranteed.
I am getting better but my love always consists of what the other people could do for me. What could they bring to the table? This my way of stopping myself from getting hurt. I use to find it hard to love someone properly who had flaws. I thought two perfect people was what made love seem so perfect so that the relationship could work out. Considering this thought, I would work overtime to prove to others that I was worthy of love.
I would work overtime to find the flaws in the ones I loved so they could work on themselves, which would distract them of my flaws. Constantly fixing someone was my definition of true love. I thought if I fix the person up or pointed out what they needed to work on then they would care and appreciate me more.
I didn’t know I was doing more harm than good to any of my relationships, I chose to love with conditions. This was my way of guarding my heart. Since I was emotionally deprived, I was always looking for what I needed for self in others to give me.
I was looking for someone to save me and recognize when I was hurting. I was looking for consideration, but I failed to show consideration during pressure moments. I was looking for commitment, but I would leave whenever I felt that my reputation was in jeopardy.
I knew how to commit to a relationship because it was who I was. I did not have the strength to persevere in any of my loving relationships because once you hurt me, I felt I could never trust again.
It wasn’t until I began to heal when I discovered that I needed to learn how to allow those I love to live out their purpose whether I agreed or not. I had to mature in order to decipher between a person making mistakes in life versus a person who makes conscious choices and decisions that jeopardize their life and others.
You could always tell the difference between whether that person gained character or reputation. When a person is living their life purpose and making mistakes to what ever degree—character will manifest.
If a person is making conscious decisions to jeopardize their life and others, this is a self-fulfilled decision. This is where reputation is built. Their focus is on the beliefs and opinions of others. This is loving with your ego vs your soul. Here are five forms of egotistic love:
1. Focusing On The Lack in the Relationship
I was always loving with my ego, where I would always focus on the lack and loss in my relationships. I would point it out until I manipulated them to change their behavior temporarily.
That’s toxic behavior for real. I learned that behavior growing up in a single parent home, where I was always reminded about what I lacked or what was loss versus who I was currently. I was taught to love the past me and the future because the old me was sweet and respectful.
The future me was destined for great things, but the current me was not good enough. So I thought. This involved grades, home performance, and attending my family’s needs. So, I managed to always fix people in the name of Love. This was all based on my bias opinion, where I failed to look at all angles of a person.
I felt it was worthy to belittle the person before encouraging them. Tough Love was necessary. Tough love is egotistical love. I made it my duty to “tell love one” to do better as if I was their parent. This definitely a self-fulfilling love.
2. Comparing Your Relationship to Others
Gosh according to me, my relationships were never good enough because I felt that there was always someone better or it was a relationship that was functioning more better than my own.
To me “better” represented going on trips, having money, and looking picture perfect all the time. It represented creating a perfect picture of our relationship even when times were rough. I never wanted anyone to see us sweat. This includes family, friends, and other loved ones.
I didn’t want to go through rough times with anyone because I was arrogant and felt it was beneath me. I always wanted to be on the winning end of any relationship because I was too insecure to be anything else.
Obtaining the winning end in my relationships meant power and control, which in reality I wanted to hide to the public how insecure, jealous, and uncomfortable I was in my own shoes and relationship. No one would be good enough until I believed truly in my heart that I was worthy and enough as I am.
3. Seeking Outward Recognitions
Yup, seeking outward recognition definitely consist of egotistical love. Seeking outside advice for your relationship reveals a lack of trust in self and in the relationship. I was always questioning my worth in my previous relationship and whether or not things were meant to be the way they are.
I didn’t have enough confidence in myself, which my relationships reflected the way I felt about myself. I was loving while trying to make myself look good, so I would complete deeds that will reveal how worthy I am to be loved.
Every flaw of others I would tell myself they were the reason I couldn’t love them properly. The truth was that I didn’t feel worthy of them no matter who they were. I was loving to fill a void in my heart not loving to fulfill the warmth in someone else’s. My love was conditional.
4. Constantly Seeking Wisdom For Your Relationships
I had everyone and their Mama in my business and relationships issues. I did not trust my path because I was always told that I didn’t know my way. I believed it so I went to anyone to obtain wisdom for my relationship issues.
Others were giving me advice, but it was not Wisdom. It was advice because no one could walk in my shoes or my issues because my issues were meant for me to handle and face that would lead to growth within. I was using advice for my relationships and calling it Wisdom so I could avoid the pain that would lead me to the blessings of my dreams.
I was a microwave girl, unwilling to endure the proper heat and process to obtain a good meal. My Granny always told me that there should be three people in your relationships, which is God, you, and the other person. Well, I had more than one included. This led me to be more confused and more insecure in my worth, abilities, and relationships.
5. Your Relationship Rejects God
I cannot do anything without God. I am nothing without God. I definitely do not know how to love properly without God. In the past, I felt I was my own God, which is an egotistical way of thinking. Of course, we are made in the likeness of God, but we are not God.
Since we are imperfect beings constantly growing and evolving. We must look upon a higher power (God) who can correct our wrongdoings. Many may tend to disagree, but believe many are walking around lacking peace and true love within their hearts, minds, bodies, souls, and spirits. Love is an action, where God gives you the proper tips on how to love effectively in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
When I tried to love without God in my relationships, I noticed I was self-seeking meaning I was constantly looking for ways to manipulate others to love me the way I needed to be love to fulfill a void in my heart. I will get really upset or maniac when they could not achieve an unrealistic task that I was too afraid to do.
Love involves selflessness, which is something we will always have to work on. It cannot be achieved in one blog post or in one moment. Loving others is a continuing process, where you will always have to grow and evolve. You are either all in or not at all in a loving relationship. I don’t know about you, but I want to be all in. Trusting God that he be there to save me and heal me when needed in any loving relationship.