At the end of the day no one is perfect, but I am not sure what hurts more–disappointment from failed expectations or letting go of the person you had in mind. As humans, we are constantly evolving, which leaves a door open for constant mistakes to happen. Outgrowing your own toxicity, you begin to understand and see others toxicity more.
It’s one thing to fight the battle in your head filled with intrusive thoughts and it another thing to believe the intrusive thoughts to be real. It will come a time when you must call a spade a spade.Own your ish and move on. Owning your ish sounds empowering but it is impossible if accountability is not included in the process.
I used to think that forgiving was the concrete action of saying sorry and confronting the situation. This will indicate that everything will be fine. In fact, forgiving and healing requires you to see, think, feel, and touch. You must face the conflict, hold yourself accountability for any toxic thinking and suffering from the pain you caused or were victimized too. It also requires you to speak either to express your pain or apologize to those you caused the pain too. This is difficult for many to do.
I’m not sure where we get this image of a perfect father and I’m not sure where these expectations come from. Do they come from television or do they come from a fantasy we built based off abandonment, trauma and sorrow we built for self-protection. I have had bad abandonment issues, which something I tend to work daily. I never knew where my abandonment issues came from but I knew they existed.
My abandonment issues showed up more when I was liking someone or in an intimate relationship. I feared so badly that the one I gave my all too would leave me for someone better. I relied on my insecure feelings to give me advice. I just knew my Insecurity wouldn’t let me down. I thought it was a helpful indicator, but later I found out it was a harmful detector. It was my go too when things in the relationship were rocky or uncertain. Also, I was comfortable with the dysfunction, so anything that showed stability or peace. I would find some way to self-sabotage the moment because it was out of my norm.
Later, I discovered that my abandonment issues came from my first love my biological Father. Missing his presences so much, I was willing to call another man “Daddy” just to fill the void in my heart. The positive thing was he showed up during special occasion, but I told fed myself the narrative that if I did good things then he would show up again. Where I can feel, and see his presence.
Instead, I was told that he wasn’t ready to have me, but he learned to love me. Memorizing when he would get drunk or high and call me foul names if he did get his way. There were times when he would ignore me as if I wasn’t in his presence. I have experienced abandonment in every way possible mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. This meant I needed to healfrom the 5 different concepts and from multiple circumstances. Healing is no joke, but Thank God, I learning to trust the process. Here are 4 Lessons I learned from having Daddy issues:
1.My Father Should be Accepted but Not Idolized
The expectation we have for men is that men should be the provider, protector, and profess their love for us. Those are leadership aspects that most Father’s and men should carry. For some reason, due to trauma, trials and tribulations of life there are many roles that have been switched. It is so easy to depend on male and hold him to high esteem to his role, but I believe that a man cannot be a man until he allows God to be his leader and confidant. Holding onto those roles places a lot of weight on males especially when their humanistic weaknesses tend to show up like insecurity, fear, doubt, controlling issues, and feeling of being powerless, or ego.
Men are the seeds of humanity that the enemy tries to destroy every day, where it is becoming more evident every day. Therefore, prayer is important to cover the men around us to keep them safe and allow them to fulfill their purpose in life. I grew up wanting to my biological father’s unconditional love so badly that I began to idolize his image. I became obsessed with the concept of my Father being my superhero, provider, protector, and teacher to show me the different ways of the world especially from a male’s perspective.
I was mad at My Father until recently because he could not give me what I need, but he could only dish out what he had. I felt that he should break his back for me and respect my opinions. I needed him to be kind, gentle, and wise when others around were not. While healing, I begin to understand that I was idolizing my biological’s father existence. I was practicing idolatry, where I would worship him when he did something out of my norm.
My job as “daughter” is to love him unconditionally as a Queen, daughter, and a woman of God. I need to accept my Father for who he is. This includes the good, bad, and the ugly. Accepting my Father for who he had assisted me not to allow myself to suffer any longer off the image he was unable to live up too. The vision of what I needed my Father to be was what I created because it was built off my inequalities. I needed a savior. My biological father could not be my savior. Too many times we confuse those who provide, protect, and profess their love to us as saviors, which is dysfunction within itself.
2.Hope Outweighs Fear: Embrace the Imperfections
I learned this from my intimate relationship with my ex, no relationship is perfect but hope outweighs fear. The feeling of being abandoned was once a fear of mine. I am now ready to confront and let go of that fear. I feared being abandoned again that I would self-sabotage myself from love or from others who would be interested in me. I grew accustomed to repressing my emotions and not reacting how I truly felt, but allow my fear to guide me. Fear can be so powerful sometimes, where it can manifest into your reality.
As I grasp a closer relationship with my Father, which was good. There were disagreements that would happen based on lack of healthy boundaries and growing pains. I mention before that when something was going well, I would search for the bad to stop myself from enjoying the good moment. What I would do was not obvious, but it was noticeable. I was ignoring the hurt I felt from being abandoned. I would self-sabotage myself from love based on the fear that nothing lasts forever. Y’all don’t know this fear has been hunting me for years. I finally got enough courage and strength to overcome it from the help of the lord. I realized that my hope for love needed to be bigger than fear of love being taken away. I love the aspect and the concept of love so much that that I allowed my fear to overpower my hope. To overcome fear, you must learn to embrace the negative that may come, but trust that you know a restorer named Jesus who can help you to embrace the imperfections that your biological father carries so that you can accept the love from males who truly want to love you.
3.Every Male Is Not Your Father: Time to Detach from the Hurt
My favorite line to say in a relationship was, “I trust you as a person, but I do not trust you as a man.” Seeing your Father with countless women (friends) and different relationships growing up, I created a narrative that nothing was permanent with him or men in general. It did not help that media was playing an important letting me know that my notion was accurate.
He was a runner when it came to stress and dysfunction. I later learned that I also had that same issue. My father’s perspective of women was not the best. In fact, he referred to some women as everything negative than confidant. His perspective of women revealed to me how he truly felt about me. My father grew distrust in women due to his failed relationships of his past. I developed a distrust in men because of his perspective of a women. My father did not recognize in the moment that I would one day become the being he complained so terribly about.
My distrust did not just come from my biological father, but it also came from every male figure that came across my life. I saw the inconsistency, the disrespect, lack of consideration, and the entitlement. I later grew up falling in love with those red flags tell myself that I could save those men just like I convince myself I could do with my Father.
All I ever craved for was his unconditional love. I learned through my own healing that only way it could happen was if my Father learn to love himself through Christ and not who he was a black man in this world. The world will make the heart harden, but the Lord will soften it up with Love, Grace, Peace, and healing. We just must be willing to receive on both ends for the Father and Daughter relationship to work. Every man, I come across is not my Father. I made a choice not to live with the toxic notions that created my distrust and abandonment issues with men.
4.Feel your Emotions and Release Them
For years, I felt like my emotions did not matter. In fact, I was told that growing up especially when I was speaking my truth. So, I believed that my true emotions did not matter. This resulted in me hiding my true self just to please those I loved. This also resulted in me unable to express my true feelings through speaking, but writing instead. I was afraid to express and tell how I really felt because I assumed that I would be dismissed or punished. It took me years to begin to open-up about some of the hurt that I experienced from him.
I had to be careful because I did not want my biological father to feel more guilt than I knew he already felt. There were times when a rough patch would erupt and I wanted to bring up the past. Letting him know that he had no right to treat me the way he did because what I wanted to say is that I am still recovering from your abandonment that left me to get abused in every way possible growing up. Of course, I did not say so I would mask my feelings and carry on with my day and attracting more dysfunctional relationships. Lashing out in my intimate relationship and attracting more dysfunction in my life. I began understanding that it was better for me to feel my emotions in that moment recognize them, reflect, and express my emotions are the right moment so I could release them.
I know how it is to repress your emotions until you erupt on those around you. This is where mouth vomit tends to happen, where you tend to say the most outrageous and dangerous things to hurt the other person’s feelings. I needed to feel the hurt and disappointment I faced in my relationship with my Father so that my distrust for men could be restored with trust again.
At the end of the day, regardless of the pain I felt. I realized that I was making conscious choices out of hurt, trauma, and sorrow, and guilt to create a narrative that would protect me from the pain men have caused me. I love men so much, I was willing to give up hurt to love them again and to be the sanctuary I am called to be for them. Experiencing so much pain can make you feel worthless as a person.
Worthiness makes you feel that nothing good will ever happen to you and if it does then you do not deserve it. In order, to attract better I knew it was time for me to move from the problems of the past. My future looks bright and I did not want my past to interfere with my future. I deserved to me Loved unconditionally and so do you. Do not let your Daddy issues to stop you from loving a man fully. At the end of the day, we all want the healthy love our soul desires. It takes two to maintain, obtain, and sustain a relationship. I must be what I desire in a mate, and I trust that God is manifesting that healthy and loving relationship for me in a man.