Our society does not value family, which is revealed in what we invest our time and money in. For Generations, it seems like families have been a burden more than a blessing. We do not invest in our children because many of us have not been delivered from our childhood. We do not invest in family sector business and education because many do not find the benefit of investing in people or our future.
There is a lack of appreciation and gratification, which I feel many are missing today in their families. We invest more in business sectors that give instant gratification. Times have changed, and there are so many ways to identify the family. The common concept of who the family is is usually blood-related, but now that definition has changed as to who others consider family to be. Family can be a group of people with common characteristics, living under the same roof, common ancestry, common stock, or a common affiliation.
Whoever you consider as your family, your family is probably everything to you. I would like to generalize it and say everyone feels this way. Truth be told, not everyone feels this way. There are many people who do not associate with their family, they do not trust them, or they just do not love them. Whatever the issue is, the reality is that it is hard to clean up blood than water. What I mean by this is that it is sometimes hard to repair the family than it is to repair a friendship. The reason is that the roots of the hurt from the family may be generational rather than situational. They say, “Blood is thicker than water.” This means that blood relatives should be able to obtain a strong bond, but there are too many secrets that many are not willing to reveal. It is the secrets of the family that keeps the family bounded from moving forward.
Everyone wants to display the masterpiece, but many do not want to share the experience of work, the suffering, hardship, and the pain involved to create it. What I am saying is that there are too many perfect pictures out here, but no one wants to point of the errors in the photo. It is a part of many cultures, where we show only what will be acceptable. There are many who still live by the concept of what goes on in this house stays in this house. This statement creates an image in my head, where there is a little girl with tears in her eyes and an adult’s hand wrapped around her mouth. This is the image that I feel that many women carry around with them, which is the agony of an untold story filled with sorrow, manipulation, abandonment, abuse, suffering, and pain. It is also a concept that many are dying internally over because they still fear to this day that exposing the secrets of their past will be like opening a Pandora box.
I have this image in my head as a child, driving in a car with my Papa as I watch adults look so hopeful and helpless. I remember asking myself a question as to how do people get there and why? The interesting thing as an adult, I still happen to ask this question. The first thing that comes to mind is family because it is the first place we come from, and it is the first place we experience pain from. It is also a dynamic that many are unable to repair. Some say it is spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical, but being honest most of the time it is these aspects that make it so hard. Many people have experienced the most hurt from the ones who were supposed to protect, love, cherish, and respect them. Instead, they received disrespect, abuse, judgment, manipulation, and abandonment.
The important thing is that it is time to heal. It is time to move on from the family you wished you had. Move on from the family that abused you. Move on from the family that misused you. Move on from the family that did not attend to your needs. Move on from the family that abandoned you. Move on from the family that ignored you. I pray you to move on from the family that disowned you. True healing is crying. Prayer produces healing, in which it must be done until you are delivered from the pain. Many believe that healing involves one prayer and you are done. It is not quite like that. Many are willing to take a pill for the rest of their life without any guarantee of being cured, but they look pass prayer because it does not work as fast as they wished it would. The irony, right? I know. Many fail to recognize that good things take time and anything that is righteous cannot be done too soon. This is a hard pill to follow. Everyone wants the real aspects of what a family represents, which is love, peace, companionship, respect, consistency, and unity. There are so many still trying to figure out—why it is so hard to maintain?
I wrote this blog post not to give you tips, but to give you peace over your overwhelming emotions such as anger, anxiety, exhaustion, fear, disappointment, agony, and depression. I want you to know that through it all it best to love than to hate. I am not saying it because it is the right thing to do. I do want you to know that it is the righteous thing to do. Love liberates (Maya Angelou).
I remember talking with a client, and she compared her partner to the Joker. Those who are familiar with the character. To sum it up, Joker was batman’s villain in the story. The Joker grew up in an abusive home, where he hustled for his Father’s love. His father abandoned him and abused him. This is the story of many men and women, and it seems like many have made a commitment to cause harm to others because they are bleeding so bad within. I brought up that example to say that we may not have the choice to control what type of hurt, headache, resentment, or pain in our lives that we may experience, but we do have a choice to control our thoughts and actions. Healing and growing from my toxic emotions towards my family growing up required to learn lessons that I was not esthetic about. The reason being was because I had to let go of my shield-pride that I used to protect myself from the hurt of the family of my past. Here are three lessons I learned through healing from amusing and disintegrated family:
1.Love Convicts and Hate Condemns
I have noticed that many including my family have no problem condemning others for their actions especially if they been hurt. I am guilty of doing the same thing. It seems like for generations we have created a system for others that condemns their behavior. Condemnation produces shame.
So many people believe that others should be a-shame for their behavior. That is when word vomit tends to come out of your mouth the worst. When your heart is filled with pain, we can say some awful things. Terrible circumstances began to develop because we want our family members to hurt as we did. At the moment, all we really want to do is teach the person a lesson.
Our hearts are screaming that we have been hurt and our mind is telling us to act. This happens when we are unable to control our emotions. The interesting and logical thing is that it is not our job to teach others a lesson. People will learn the lessons at the time they need too. We all have lessons to learn. That’s why conviction is necessary because it allows the person to hold themselves accountable for their actions. Basically, it brings to their attention they something is out of balance within and the person need reassess what they are doing and if they want to continue with this course of action. Conviction looks like speaks the heart of the person and condemnation speaks to the ego of others.
2.Love Holds Each other Accountable and Hate tends to punish Us.
We tend to punish one another by whippings, beating, or taking others’ life away, where we say that we will beat the “hell” out of them. I’m not sure if it worked then and if it did it was temporary. This means that previous behavior would resurface but in a more intense way because we have caused more trauma to the person’s psyche. This allows the trauma cycle to continue all over again. This is the reason why we punish ourselves when we have done wrong because we are used to being punished by others. Love allows you to focus on the bigger picture, where we allow the person to take responsibility for their actions. The first step to do it is to confront the situation in a peaceful way.
Therefore, you should not confront others when we’re angry or upset because it usually results in punishing others instead of holding them accountable for their actions. Letting them know what they did was wrong and tell them how they could have done things differently.
3 .We Crave Gratitude & Appreciation in our family Sectors
Gosh, we crave for reciprocation. We want others to show gratitude and appreciation for what we do in their lives. We want people not to take us for granted, but we do it to ourselves every day. Different people have different ways to show their appreciation and gratification. The hard part is that we want our gratification and appreciation to be return in the way it was given to others.
Many may not give back to you in ways you want them too, but most try to give in ways they are familiar with. This is another concept that tends to divide relationships and families in general. Experiencing a lack of appreciation and gratitude can really pierce the heart, but it doesn’t have to be. At the end of the day, the family is everything. So many crave the unity they wish they had. Many want to be with a group of people who they connect with and they can grow with.
We would rather for it to be family than anyone else. Can families begin to be restored? I say yes, but we must be willing to heal, confront, and hold each other accountable with love and not hate. Comment below and please share your perspective.