Lusting For Real Love

The title of this blog post can be controversial and contradicting because we are told that lust and love cannot co-exist with one another. I believe it to be true.  As I grow as a spiritual being. I discover that lust can be an indicator to let us know what it is that we really need. Lust becomes lust when our desire begins to trump God in our lives and God’s plan for our life. Lust does not just include sex, but it is everything you have allowed to be God in your life.

As spiritual beings, we come here with a mission, a calling, a purpose, and God’s promise for our life. The sad part is that many will not do the work it takes to fulfill their mission (be who God created you be), a calling (assignment that God has given you), purpose (The reason you survived the trauma and birth into this world), and God’s promise (Rewards of your obedience to build God’s kingdom on earth as it is in heaven).

The topic I choose to talk about and confront is the lusting feeling for real love, more in your life, and protection. I know you are probably asking yourself how to do all three of these subjects correspond to one another. I am living testimony to let you know-how.

I have been fighting the feeling of lust for the past fifteen years. Many tend to associate lust with being a whore, hoe, or a person who chooses to explore their sexuality promiscuously. Whatever definition you choose to grasp or attend; All that matters is that you can depict and interpret the message correctly.

What I have found out is that the common aspect of the concept of lust is an alarm to self that something is off and the thirst is real. It means you have a deep longing for something that resulted in a trauma wound that you need to be delivered from. Our emotions affect our thoughts, our thoughts affect our bodies, and our emotions are indicators of healing. Since I know that lust is a deadly sin. I must be willing to give it up to God because what I really want is on the other side of the sin I choose to indulge in.

Lust is having uncontrollable and a strong sexual desire for someone. Another definition is having a strong yearning and excessive craving for something or someone. If you grew up feeling like you were never enough, insecure, lacking self-worth, self-respect, and low self-esteem. Chances are you have experienced lust even if you tend to walk with God. Our lustful desires range with volume and intensity based on what our thirst is for and the trauma you endured that affected your thirst spiritually.

While others are promoting healing and empowerment for others to heal. There aren’t many who like to talk about the struggle of healing and the struggle of letting sin go. Moving forward from lust can be terrifying. Being shallow, I would look down on others, who struggled with the same lustful desires as I did. While acting as a hypocrite behind closed doors. I was fighting and confronting sexual thoughts and sexual dreams that I would not dare to even speak of to anyone.

I hid my lustful desire from others and afraid to talk about it because of the way I was brought up with a very religious and conservative point of view.  I learned to lie to myself as I was drowning myself with debt because I was trying to kill the embarrassment, the loneliness, and the sickness in my thoughts. Chilee, I had wild thoughts that may be minor to others, but the thoughts were influencing my life.

Lusting for Real Love

   Being honest, when I set back and think about God’s love. I do not think I have ever met anyone who loves me the way God loves me.  I know this may sound cliché but the pureness of God’s love is everything. You will begin to understand where I am coming from.

Being single, I began to figure out how much of my past relationships were depended on my insecurities. I needed someone to tell me how beautiful I was, to compliment me, to buy me gift to make me feel wanted, and sex to help me to feel loved and connected. I also needed constant reassurance that the person really loved me unconditionally and not what I could offer.

 I am a giver by nature, but I always came across people who took more than they could give to me. Lusting for real Love required that I go the extra mile to be dishonest to my standards in my relationships so I won’t risk losing them.  I would tiptoe around others to avoid arguments or disagreements.

I Lusted for real love so bad that I was willing to give my all to anyone that showed me the attention I thought I needed. Lusting for love required that I disconnect from God and my true self. I’m recovering from debt now because of my past mistakes of Spending more than my income trying to buy people’s love with gifts. Just so I can feel fulfilled and whole within. This whole time, I thought my debt was based on a lack of income but it was lust for wanting real love.

I had a deep yearning to be filled with love spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.  When I couldn’t find real love near me I would buy myself things to make me feel loved, appreciated, wanted, or admire (not inspired). After healing, I recognized my toxic traits. Asking myself why did I do what I did? The reason was that I was lusting for Love trying to seek it through one person at a time.

The more rejection or disappointment I felt in my relationships the more in yearn for God’s love. I also chased the person, who showed me the least amount of attention. Instead of calling out God’s name to receive his love, I ended up trying to substitute God’s love with men who showed me the right attention, affection, or who attend to my egotistical personality that demonstrated “my definition” of love.

 Psalms 27:8-14 CEV, “My heart tells me to pray. I am eager to see your face, so don’t hide from me. I am your servant, Lord, and you have helped me. Don’t turn from me in anger. You alone keep me safe. Don’t reject or desert me. Even if my father and mother should desert me, you will take care of me. Teach me to follow, Lord, and lead me on the right path because of my enemies. Don’t let them do to me what they want. People tell lies about me and make violent threats, but I know I will live to see how kind you are. Trust the Lord! Be brave and strong and trust the Lord.”


Lusting for More

We are taught that more is better than less. We are shown that the more we have the happier we will be. I am learning that having more in my life caused more harm for me spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically and financially.

What I always wanted was a family of my own, who was God-feared, United, and loyal. Family to me is a connection. I did not appreciate what God wanted for me, which allowed me to depend on my own understanding. This allowed to me lust for more because I felt that what God had giving me was never an enough. Subconsciously, I always found something wrong with the blessing God decided to give to me.

I know the family I built is connected to God’s promise upon my life, which is the same for you also. The only thing is the waiting season. God gives his best and most valuable rewards when you have made enough room to receive it. The “more” I wanted was God (real love), family (connection), and intimacy (protection). For some, the more wounded you are, the more you want. Your wants can be described as anything you feel you need. I thought I needed sex and food to keep me to survive. I did not know that indulging in both was not allowing me to thrive in ways that I needed too.

I’m single, Whenever I look at families, especially those that are around my age. I get this craving to produce my own in my timing instead of God’s timing (lust), in which I would make the decision to give my body to those that appeared at first to be father material.

The only thing that stopped me was my fear of being a single mother like much of the women in my family.  I want a family so bad but I am learning that anything worthwhile cannot be done too soon. I must be whole as a person, so I will not pass down the trauma to my children as it was passed down to me. While, I cannot control my life, but I know someone who can (Jesus). I call on his name to keep me focus on my waiting season.

Romans 11:4-6 CEV,“But the Lord told Elijah, “I still have 7,000 followers who have not worshiped Baal.” It is the same way now. God treated the people of Israel with undeserved grace, and so a few of them are still his followers. This happened because of God’s undeserved kindness and not because of anything they have done. It could not have happened except for God’s gift of undeserved grace.”

It is God’s indescribable and undeserving grace that he delays my promise for my life instead of destroying it based on my mistakes and learning process. Despite, the battles I fight and mistakes. God always shows me how worthy I truly am to him.

Lusting for Connection (Protection)

Sex can be amazing, but it is also powerful. It can also be a distraction when it linked up with someone you are not meant to be with. Depending on the linkage, the connection can either give you energy or deplete your mind and your energy. There are many you may be attracted to but you must be careful as to why you are attracted to a person. Not everyone’s soul is clean and pure.

I didn’t have the self-respect for my body, mind, soul, and spirit until I connected myself with God and decided to heal.  Being molested as a child told me that my body was property and not a temple. It didn’t help that my family shut my self-esteem with negative and belittling connotations, so my self-worth was low.

So, I treated myself as such. Looking for a connection with the opposite sex led me to indulge in sexual relationships even if a relationship was not involved. I was usually the one that didn’t want a relationship because I wanted to do men what they have always done to me, which was leave me. I begin having given my body to those who met the minimum requirements of being nice, showing me attention, talking a smooth game, and present himself to be different from the others. I started having sex because everyone around me was and I did not want to be left out of a conversation among my peers.

Being honest, I have always been different among my peers and very wise for my age. I thought sex would be the subject I could use to show others that I was one of them also. Facing sexual demons will allow you to change your mind about those you decide to connect your body with.

Stuck in a cycle, but I had too much pride and weakness to ask God to help me with this issue. I was weak because I was too afraid to admit that I was battling with sexual demons. Truth be told, I have faced them since I was molested as a child. Sometimes the only way to release them was to indulge in activities that were appealing to my body and the person I decide to have sex with.

Yearning for connection spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. What I was craving was intimacy. Much like many men do, I was confusing sex with intimacy. After sex, many tend to do what— Pillow talk.  I thought sex was love. I mean, the person I was molested by told me he loved, which sounds to wicked and twisted to admit. I didn’t know, I was innocent and had no dedication to what evil looked like. Sometimes the only time I could get a male to pay attention to me or listen to me was when I gave my body to him so I thought. The intimacy I yearned for was from my biological Father. I didn’t want sex. I just wanted a male to listen, appreciate, respect, show affection, and love me unconditionally. To me, sex was worth something. I was told that you give your body to the person you love.

I kept giving my body because I feared the person leaving me as my Daddy did in all the moments I needed him the most. I was suffering from abandonment issues and sex and good conversation were the only way I felt truly appreciated and loved by the opposite sex. The tricky part is that I gave my body to people I thought I loved. Loving someone and being in love are two different concepts that no one told me about. Good conversation and a good heart we’re my weaknesses.  I do not let too many people get close to me and if I did. That meant you were special to me but the cycle I got wrapped into was I was attracted to individuals much like myself. Insecure, limited mindset, searching for healing and connection from someone who understood me.

Romans 12:1 CEV, “Dear friends, God is good. So, I beg you to offer your bodies to him as a living sacrifice, pure and pleasing. That’s the most sensible way to serve God.”

I asked to release lust from me because I was ready to receive God’s true love and experience true love by a man, who understands God’s love. I wanted more in life and I did not want to settle anymore. I did not want to settle to be a secret. I no longer wanted to be a girlfriend, but I was ready to be someone’s wife.

I knew the only way it could happen was to give God my sexuality, body, and lust. It is a hard thing to do, but I am tired of experience constant disappointment that results me being mad at the world for the mistakes I chose to commit.  When I asked God to remove the lust out of me; my body begin to crave more sex, desired to have more food, money, and material possessions, and I began lonelier.  Honestly, the only way to stop the cravings was to resist action of lust, prayer and reading God’s word.  I needed better in my life this meant I had to do what was mature for me. Being mature meant that had to sacrifice sinful pressure just so I could receive and appreciate God and the blessing he gives to me. I like my lustful sensations, which was the reason it was so hard for me to let it go. It was not until I grew tired to recycled cycle that lust trapped me in. I am letting you know that you do not have to settle for lust much like I did, but you can fight for the true love to yearn to have in your life. Not just true love, but unconditionally love. It took multiple failure and setback for me to needs to align with God’s wants for my life. Ask yourself do you want to continue to settle for lust or do you want to fight more in your life–Love?

Psalms 25:11-22 CEV, “Be true to your name, Lord, by forgiving each one of my terrible sins. You will show the right path to all who worship you. Then they will have plenty, and their children will receive the land. Our Lord, you are the friend of your worshipers, and you make an agreement with all of us. I always look to you, because you rescue me from every trap. I am lonely and troubled. Show that you care and have pity on me. My awful worries keep growing. Rescue me from sadness. See my troubles and misery and forgive my sins. Look at all my enemies! See how much they hate me. I come to you for shelter. Protect me, keep me safe, and don’t disappoint me. I obey you with all my heart, and I trust you, knowing that you will save me. Our God, please save Israel from all its troubles.”





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