This week has taught me that it is not me against the world, but me against self. I fought the battle of the ego verse the soul, which is the concept of learning where my thoughts, behavior, and actions stemmed from. I mention before in my last blog post called the battle between the Ego and the Soul that battle was based off living with survival methods that were developed through trauma, hurt, pain, and sorrow. That was a year ago, but life has been teaching me today that I am in consistent competition with myself.
I am fighting every day to love myself a little bit more than I did yesterday. Discovering new ways to evolve as a person. I was fighting all week against old thoughts that were limiting, restricting, and closed-minded. I had to recognize that I am here to live a life that my soul yearns to live, which means it is completely different from what others around me are doing or thinking. I am a soul that is meant to grow, evolve, live in unity, and be free. The hardest thing for me is to embrace who God created me to be verses walking in the image I had for myself. I have always been a woman, who was free-spirit, loving, caring, funny, and filled with self-expression.
I am from a city, where we are the most segregated city in the United States. I ask God sometimes, why was I born in a city that does not match my personality at all. To fit in this city, you must be willing to live with limited, closed-minded, consistent fear, and restricting thinking. If you can talk about sports, people, cheese, beer, crime, or all the bad things going in the world with no solutions, then you will fit right in. Just know that only interesting thing to do is chat at the bar, where most people began lying about where they currently are in life, where they were five plus years ago, or what they currently have in their pockets. It’s no judgement because at the end of the day we all must do what we enjoy verses embracing what others enjoy doing. It was self-reflection for me to recognize that I did not belong there and it was not fun to me even when I did it for the crowd.
I am deep and I am a seize the moment type of person that enjoys the simply things in life. What I am describing right now is what I called “self”. The “me” is the person with limited, restrictive, closed-minded thinking believing that the impossible is not bound to happen. I can pretend that I never have doubtful and terrifying moments in my life because I am writing this blog post, but the truth is I do.
Since, I had forgiven others a lot lately, I was not fighting against letting them back in my life again asking myself if I wanted to feel the same hurt I felt before, or do I raise above the situation by extending the Grace God has shown to me through all the disobedience, lies, and holding on the constant control. I began to discover that this life is not for me, but it was for God and I am here to do the work he asked me to do.
Sometimes, we can be so trapped in our minds that when bad situations arrive that it may seem as though there is no way out, but there is. That is the moment to settle things, where God promised to calm the storm within instead of the storm around me. When this occurs, I know it is a situation, where God is allowing me to grow while going through the unbearable situation that I thought I could not face. Since I know that now, I began to ask God to guide me to get through it and keep me at peace at the end of the day. (I was not always able to do so)
That was where God spoke to me about my control issues, where I may not be able to stop what was going on around me, but be still and let him fight my battles. All this week, I could see and hear God’s promise to me, which was
Psalms 34:15-18, “If you obey the Lord, he will watch over you and answer your prayers. But God despises evil people, and he will wipe them all from the earth until they are forgotten. When his people pray for help, he listens and rescues them from their troubles. The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and who have given up hope.”
I decided that I deserved everything I chose to invest in, which is the good, bad, and the ugly because all is still working for my greater good. I had multiple situations this week, which seemed like perceived obstacles, but really it was a moment for me to change my way of thinking. I was staying focus on ensuring that my thoughts corresponded to what I wanted to happen versus what I did not want to happen. I would focus a lot on what I did not want, while not knowing that what I didn’t want to happen was manifesting because of where my focus lied. Learning that where I gaze my attention at; I had the ability to bear fruit. This was what operating in “self” taught me (higher self). Basically, where I focus my viewpoint on determines how the picture will turn out. You can attach this concept to the metaphor of a DSLR Camera.
The picture is what will bear a fruit because an authentic photo can speak a thousand words to lives and the perception of others. I realized that I wanted my life to speak for itself instead of me portraying certain image out there for others to see that was not true to self. Learning to choose which concept to embrace of the Me vs. Self taught me that only I could fulfill my destiny no matter how many people are connected to me, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, or financially. I had the power to create the right photo (image) that was top-notch based on using God, my sensors (Intuition), and image quality (creativity) with hopes of creating a picture that will be a reflection of my reality and true self. I am in a place where I am reaching forward for the things in front of me and not looking back.