Don’t get me wrong my Mother is my backbone, she is very reliable, loving, and caring. Just like every human, we all have a dark side that we must work hard to heal from. My Mother and I had a moment about two years ago, where we were not talking. Did it hurt? Yes. Moved to pass the hurt and pain, God allowed me to understand the reasoning for her irrational behavior. No parent is perfect and I believe it is toxic to believe that you can be. This is the narrative that “control” feeds you. There is not one person in this world that can fulfill every aspect in one person except God. God still allowed us to have a mate because he knew we would to get lonely.
Control is an act or a skill in the use of tool, instrument, technique, artistic medium, or spirit to actuate the utterance or performance. (Merriam-Webster). Control usually stems off the emotion–insecure. Insecure means not adequately guarded or sustained, not firmly fastened or fixed, not highly stable or well-adjusted, deficient in assurance (anxiety and fear). (Merriam-Webster). Insecurity helps you to believe that you must be everything to one person to keep the person’s interest and love. This narrative stem from the concept that love is temporary, but control tells you that you must fight to make it permanent. So, in this toxic world insecurity and control tends to go hand and hand.
I believe that girls are taught how to view themselves based on the relationship that is established through the Mother and Daughter dynamic. The Mother and Daughter dynamic is essential to the soul. A mother reflects her daughter and a daughter is a reflection of her Mother. Two go hand and hand. The relationship can lead to many positive aspects and it can help you to develop many negative aspects. Dependin on the emotional toxicity that your Mother or daughter has. You can either love or hate but trust you cannot do both.
I know I am not the only woman who has faced the challenge to have a functional and healthy relationship with her Mother. In fact, I believe there is too many, which is the reason why I am writing this blog post. My Mother and I had a relationship, where it can be hot one day and very cold another. It was very cold often whenever I would speak up about what caused me pain or suffering based on her behavior.
My feelings were usually discarded and I was told that I was being too sensitive. Hearing this, I told myself that my emotions did not matter. I experienced verbal, emotional and mental abuse from my Mother as she would curse my name, call me names all in the name of anger, and exaggerate my actions to the family and her work community. This all resulted because my Mother was unable to control her emotions effectively.
Our relationship was very cold whenever boundaries were set. This made me feel like I was not important. My Mother and I’s relationship was cold whenever I decide to live my life and it did not involve her ideas and her vision for my life. The behavior I learned from my Mother and Daughter relationship, I carried those same characteristics in my friendships. Have you ever seen a little girl displaying behavior like a grown woman? The most common question many tend to ask is, “Where does she get that behavior from?” That is the image I would like you all to visualize for myself.
I am aware that parenting can be difficult and no one has the answer to raise a child perfectly because every child is different. I am a woman and I was once a child where I am speaking from the perspective of the two. Now, when I become a Mother; I will have the opportunity to speak from all perspectives. I grew up learning toxic ways of developing a relationship with women. I thought it was okay to gossip, judge another women’s sin that was different from my own, hide jealousy emotions and deny that I ever felt those emotions. I developed a sense of arrogance about my opinions because I knew best and thought others should listen to me.
Since I was learned how to be unsure about who I am, I carried that same insecurity of not being sure by not trusting the women I gained friendships with. Not willing to give others a chance because they displayed the same toxicity that I saw in my Mother. The interesting thing is that the toxicity I saw in others including my Mother was a healing opportunity to heal the toxicity in me. Here are four lessons I learned from my Mother and Daughter with my Mother.
1.Willing to Leave the Past Behind
Chile, I must honest. I have always had a difficult time letting things go. I tend to hold on to things and people out of the fear of missing out on something good. I believe in change which means I believe that everyone can change. The problem is–when they want too. After reading the book of Ruth in the bible (Ruth 1:1-22). I began to study the chapter and she helped me to discover that leaving the past behind does more good than harm.
You know how the world teaches us to keep records of everything, especially on people. I adapted to that concept, which is why I had a hard moving on from my past. This also meant it took me a long time to truly to forgive my Mother for the hurt she caused me and details of the circumstances that occurred. Ruth (Ruth 1:1-22) was a Moabite woman, who was married to Israel man (Naomi’s son). If you study the Moab religion, Moabite women were known to lead Israel men into sin. Moab people worshipped false gods and the Israel people believed in One Ultimate Divine God (Holy Spirit). Ruth’s husband, brother-in law, and father-in-law all died years from each other.
Ruth was left to live with her sister-in-law (Orpah) and Mother- in law (Naomi). Naomi heard that God was leading his people to Judah. Naomi asked her daughter-in laws if they were willing to stay with her or go. She did not want them to feel obligated to come because she had nothing to give them. Ruth decided to stay and Orpah decided to go.
Ruth taught me when it was time to leave the past behind that included difficult times I had with my Mother. Ruth was willing to leave her past behind to move forward with her future. It was time for me to move on from the familiar and trust God with my future with my Mother. The change was near, but it had to start with me. It was me because I saw what was toxic and what was hindering us from moving forward in our Mother and Daughter relationship together. That meant I could no longer follow the guidance of my Mother, but it was time to walk by faith (Hebrew 1:11) and hold on to God.
2. Be Willing to Be Evolutionary
Evolutionary is a process of change in a certain direction. It also a process of continuous change from lower, simpler, or worse to a higher, more complex, or better state (Merriam-Webster). I knew it was time to bust moves. I could no longer tolerate the way I was being talked too and abuse. I would discard my emotions just to keep the peace in our relationship. I knew it was not healthy because I did feel respected or empowered.
Ruth was evolutionary because she had the courage to leave the toxic environment and the people of her past that she knew no longer served her. Ruth was exposed to better and she was now ready to pursue better. Ruth knew that God would be the one to assist her to get there, so Ruth stuck with Naomi (Mother-in-law). (Ruth 1:1-22).
At the time, I was manifesting into a Queen and I no longer desired to live in the past because I was not able to appreciate my present moment. I was depressed and miserable. I knew there was more to life because I saw it before. I just wanted to know how to get there especially with the relationship with my Mother. Basically, I was tired of settling for toxicity and I was ready to experience a healthy relationship with her. That involved me to stand how I felt now because of I aware I was coming honest and healthy place.
God taught me how to trust myself because I was relying on his wisdom and not my own. I was evolutionary because I was willing to invest in the relationship I desired to have with my Mother by saying “No.” No to the disrespect, no to the name calling, and no to running to feed her ego. It was time for my Mother to heal also. Saying “yes” to everything she wanted was preventing God to do his will in her life. I willing to feed the spirit or the soul, but not the ego. There was a lot of turmoil during the “No” season, but it was time to break family curses and I knew I was the one to do it with God.
3. Be Willing to Lose More than Gain
I would not say that I am a sore loser, but I would admit I cannot stand to lose. Ooo. Wee! To gain a healthier relationship with my Mother. I had to get in position to take many L’s in my life aka Loses. During the L season, I learned I gained more than I lost because all the things that were lost were dead weight. During the process, I did not see the benefits because things began to get worse with my relationship with my Mother before it got better.
We lost a moment of time and regular outings every weekend. God knew I had an issue with staying away from her and love ones. I was ready to give in and say it was not worth the pain, but I remembered the Story of Ruth. So many I have met who were like Ruth. I had to keep the Faith and trust that God would push our relationship through. I faced a lot of lies being told about me, more curse words, those disrespecting my reputation, and embracing the misunderstanding of my action.
Many thought I were going crazy, but I could hear God telling me to push forward and follow my guidance. God knew my fear, but he encouraged me and pushed me forward. I began to understand not loses are should be considered loses because of what I gained in the end. My loses are not worthy of listing because they do not matter to where God plans to take me. I gained empowerment, truth, wisdom, and knowledge during the process of being away from my Mother. Mother and I gained a healthier way to communicate, respect, a better understanding of love through God, and another level of realism in our reality.
4.Understand That You Deserve God’s Best
To have the best that God wanted me to have. I had recognized and understand that I deserve the best, but not the world’s best or my Mother’s best. I deserve God’s best. God’s best is so worth it and fulfilling. When I was settling for the toxic relationship that my Mother and I developed, in those moments I believed that nothing would change and the relationship my Mother and I had was what I deserved because we had never known to be anything different.
We would argue and those around us thought it was funny. The common statement that others would make was “That’s what they do, ya’ll so funny to me, “that’s your mother and you know how she is”, or “Your Mother pick on you because she loves you.” I never understood those toxic comments, but I knew they were toxic because they were telling to settle for toxic instead of giving us the wisdom to push toward change. The option that many think they do not have is not set for toxic and fighting with prayer and actions for better.
I knew I deserved to be treated as God’s best in all relationships not just with my Mother. The relationship with my Mother was just the turning point I needed to push me in the right direction. God knew I deserved an upgrade in my life. I had to make sacrifices that seem risky in the beginning, but now I am learning that it was great investment. Thank you God.