We as women, tend to find the toxicity in others but we fail to see it in ourselves. We fail to understand how much indulging in others lives with lies, rumors and exaggeration can lead to more unfortunate situations and more hurt. Not everything in life needs to be a battle, which is how so many battles are lost in the first place due to our lack of self-control, self-discipline, and self-worth.
We are so worried about what other’s think and being judged that we fail to understand we are the ones placing the blame and judgment on everyone except for ourselves. The reason being is that many of us grew up with parents who came from broken home also.
Fathers who didn’t know their fathers. Those who know their father they were either inconsistent,abusive or they were emotionally detached. Many of us had Mothers who modeled to us what it means to be insecure, heartless and controlling because most of the generation before did not value who they were.
Many never had true unconditional love, peace, protection, attention, or compassion we needed. Many of us found it in things and people, who didn’t mean us any good. This is not the time to place self-blame on yourself. This is the time to recognize that you survived the toxicity and lived to know better with hopes of doing better in the future.
This is a moment for us to sit with our toxicity and recognize how our toxicity is affecting the family we are creating, the family we grew up in, and how it’s affecting our communities. Life is not about money, titles, accolades, and boasting about superficial things.
Life is about exploring the essences of your being. Giving love, peace, joy, and compassion to others, but you can only give according to the capacity of your heart. Learning who you are as a person, recognizing, and accepting your flaws and all!
I was a very toxic person in many areas of my life. I’m not afraid to admit as I once was. I lived for drama because I didn’t know life without it! I lived for verbal abuse, physical abuse, and pointing out other’s people’s flaws because I didn’t want anyone to see mine since I was reminded how terrible of a person I was for my flaws at home.
I know how it is to be so insecure that you want to cover every scar you have endured because you don’t want anyone to see you as less than. I understand what it means to be unloveable towards others because you had some many people abuse your love, kindness, and compassion. I know how it feels to have a negative connotation embedded in mind, body, soul, and spirit that you believe that you are worthy of the love you deserve.
We must accept that sometimes we attract who we are and what we are! I am admitting more than ever before. I was once toxic and may continue to be if I do not connect with my higher power (God) and my higher self daily.
Once you recognize that true power lies within your choices, thoughts, beliefs, and actions. Many of us (women) are holding on to toxic beliefs such as racism, bigotry, controlling issues, constant gossip, and abusive tactics that were past down from Generation to Generation.
Since many of us have not taken the time to learn who is and what we have become. We are so busy pointing the fingers at everyone except ourselves. We must let go of our control and begin to trust the process that God has allowed you to be in. We may be intuitive, but that does not mean we know everything that is in store for us.
We have forced and manipulated others to live a life based on our fantasies that were produced due to the trauma we endured and the lack of security we grew up with. Many are repping that “Pussy is power”, but haven’t begun to understand that your mind, body, soul, and spirit is one essence working with one another. It’s not your pussy that’s powerful but it’s your gentleness and expression of love that truly powerful. You can speak it with your words, affection, and a nurturing spirit.
Many are working hard to keep a man because we see more men leave in our lives than stay. We haven’t sat down to understand that our essences create the love, stability, and resilience that those around us need. It’s the gentleness of our words that sends hope to the world around us. It’s our nurturing spirit that promotes affection among others. It’s our unconditional love and compassion that teaches others how to accept people for who they are. Many women haven’t recognized how to use our power properly, and a lack of knowledge helps us to use our power to destroy things around us.
This looks like gossip, manipulation, control, judging others for their imperfections, jealousy, envy, and stealing things that don’t belong to us (Families, material possession, positions, and others lives.
We use our bodies to tear families apart, we use our mouths to promote hate, ignorance, and abuse. We promote our souls with artifacts that are meant to destroy the essence of our very being.
Not everything that happens bad to us is for us. It may be a time to share your story and stop being embarrassed to admit it. Also, recognize that balance is key. Not everyone deserves you because many may not know how to treat you properly, but that is another decision lift up to you to make.
For all things, will continue to work out in my favor. I want to share four toxic behaviors I had to learn about self and how learned to embrace my toxicity with hopes of changing for the better.
Talking about jealousy and envy was taboo on both sides of my families. Where many despise jealous people. My family and I failed to recognize that we tend to get jealous also.
Jealous is so casual now that many tend to say things like “ I am so jealous of you now that you get too____.” Sometimes I catch myself saying “ I wish I could or was____. “ Jealousy is feeling and showing envy of someone or their achievements. Jealousy is also being fiercely protective or vigilant over one’s rights or possessions.
I knew that jealousy was bad growing up, but it wasn’t until I grew up that I learned that there are levels to jealousy. I was secretive with the jealousy meaning I was afraid to admit it because I didn’t want to be considered a bad person to be around.
It didn’t help that I always had people in my family comparing myself to others and asking me why I couldn’t be like so and so. That’s toxic within itself. Not recognizing that you become jealous of those close because you are unable to appreciate who you are as a person. Jealousy also came about because I had abandonment issues dealing with situations that involved me losing those close to me in tragic incidents.
I was afraid of being alone and I refused to live another day with things constantly happening to me without my control. I didn’t understand at the time that the true power lies with my controlling my thoughts, actions, and beliefs. So, to me, everyone had a perfect life except for myself, which is not true.
I didn’t mean to be jealous but it was my fear of experiencing danger or losing another person that I noticed I would become fiercely protective or vigilant over one’s rights of those close to me because I thought I couldn’t take experiencing another one close to me leaving me.
Insecurity played a big role in me being jealous. I thought so less of myself and so highly of others. I could see other people’s gifts and always dismissed my own.
It took me to accept God’s love for my life for me to appreciate the person I am today. I recognize that my blessings were meant for me because I was built for them. I stop comparing myself to others and began loving the life God gave me once I decided to follow my true life path. Following my path gave me the peace, love, and joy I yearned for.
Every blessing comes with a battle. I’m fine with mine because I know I have only enough room for my own and no one else’s. God helped me to dismiss and heal anything that separates me from him and anything that separates me from my higher self.
2. Reacting Without Thinking
I cannot tell you how many times I reacted without thinking because I allowed my emotions and thoughts to control me instead of me controlling emotions and thoughts. Experiencing trauma will allow you to be in fight mode at all times because you want to attack before anyone attacks you. I had strongholds, negative thoughts consuming me because it was based on the narrative I told myself. Wanting to be in constant control of my life, allowed me to constantly react before knowing all the facts to a situation. I just knew that I wanted the pain within to stop. This allowed others to have more control over me than I had over myself.
I thought I possessed power when I reacted first and thought later, which I found out that I was being led by fear instead of love! Fear told me to react because you want to get them before they get you, which creates anxiety and racing mind and body. Fear is a spirit operating in darkness.
Love tells me to wait and let the storm pass away and trust that all my needs and wants will be taken care of. Love is the spirit of the Divine (God) and it so much powerful than fear when you know how to use it.
Love helps you to remain calm, steady, and peaceful. Love is so powerful that the enemy tries to pervert love into a lust to support his wrongdoing among others.
I thought I was doing more harm to wait than react. Sometimes we create imaginations and they become reality because our minds are more powerful than we give it credit for. I had to ask God to cast down all imaginations that weren’t real. I learned it is best to sit back and watch instead of being the center of attention.
3. Talking More Than I listen
Once I recognized my voice and how to use my words for the betterment of others. I begin to use it all the time, which also meant I was telling everyone around me about dreams, aspirations, and future goals.
I made it a goal to be real with others, but I didn’t know it meant keeping my income, future goals, and relationships private. I recognized that I wanted to be honest with others, and my authentic self by letting others know when I didn’t want to be bothered or sharing laughter when I am happy. Being is real is being human, where many aren’t able to grasp that concept. It is not something you say you are but it’s a concept that is apart of you.
I allowed everyone into the most intimate parts of my life when my intimate parts were meant for me sometimes or me and the one I was sharing the moment with. Not everyone deserves to hear your story or your next new move because it’s called bragging at the end of the day. Not everyone is meant to know your next move because many aren’t sure of their own, which leaves a door for jealousy to surfaces. Lack of awareness of your toxicity leads to more toxicity in your life.
I was immature and I allowed my mouth to get me in more trouble than I could bear. I would believe anything that came from those I trusted and always relied on the gossip of others to tell me about others to avoid danger. I didn’t recognize that I was added toxicity and creating more turmoil and drama around me and their lives.
I thought because my intentions were good that meant everyone else’s was also. There is power in listening because many things will be revealed without you opening your mouth. This involves other’s motives, intentions, and beliefs. Listening allows you to assist the situation before reacting to it!
What toxic behaviors do you hold onto that isn’t serving you well? Don’t be embarrassed. Think about it and share with me if you feel comfortable by commenting below or emailing me at Advice@heirsblog.com. I am sending you love, light, peace this week as you begin to heal from the toxic behavior that stops you from prospering.