I believe the hardest things I ever had to face was the shadow that lies within me. The shadow represents the dark area within us that lacks light! So, you know I use to have a issue with being a perfectionist, which meant I never saw my flaws.
I definitely saw the flaws in others, but not myself! In fact, in many cases in life I refused to do so, and I grew comfortable not wanting to focus on what I lacked in life. When I was exposed to my flaws; I would disguised them pride, ego, lies, and with defensiveness.
I could not imagine facing my flaws so I would hide my body with baggy clothes, closed my mouth to the truth, became blind to what’s was in front of me, detached myself from emotions, and distance myself from giving affection to those I truly loved the most!
I was starting to head towards a journey filled with numbness,detachment,and low self-esteem. I told myself that this was who I would be to protect myself from the fear of the unknown. The funny thing about it, I grew accustomed to those characteristics that I began to attached them to my identity.
When God delivered me it was a long process for me to detach from those features. It was hard because I found out I had another attribute hiding deep down within me, which was control. Control was the root of all my issues in life.
I am finally at a point in my life, where I am able to admit that I had bad controlling issues. My control was so bad that I allowed anxiety to steal my presence moment, depression became the theme of my life, frustration became a close companion because nothing was going the way imagined it too in my life. I also grew to distrust others because they didn’t meet the qualifications of a positive person in my eye (prejudice).
I would try to pacify my vice of being controlling by saying I was protecting myself and other people . Instead what I was doing was withholding myself and others hostage. After hearing from others especially those in my close relationships that I was controlling. I ignored it because I felt it wasn’t me. I was right it wasn’t me, but I was growing into a person who needed to have control over her life.
One more trial later, after experiencing the same reoccurring circumstances of drama allowed me to face my shadow within. The funny thing is that God gave me control over my life until I got to the point that I could not control it any longer. That was when pride stepped, telling me to keep controlling things because everything needed to be under control (perfect) in my life.
Being perfect meant I would not have to face or relive my trauma of being abused sexually, mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially again. I would say there are two types of themes of control in life, there is indirect and direct control. I started off as indirect then I found life pushing towards direct control.
Indirect control is when your mission to control is not straight, but you tend to control things or people in life in the shortest way possible with the intentions of protection that is driven by fear. Ex: Exploitation and enslavement.
Direct control aims at a particular person, in a particular direction looking to control multiple factors in one’s life, which was aimed at gaining power and authority over people,place of things. Ex: Domestic violence relationships and dictatorship in government.
Life got me to a point, where it was time to call a spade a spade and not a spade a heart any longer. Yup, I had control issues so bad that I didn’t value the relationships in my life as I should. I value me first in a selfish way because I was broken terribly within.
Being a victim of multiple aspects of abuse. I was wounded so badly within that I gave myself the name “The Wounded One”, which gave me authority to play victim and press charges against others for their mistakes towards me.
Later I discovered, I was committing revenge against others by stamping labels to others for their mistakes by calling them liars, cheaters, thieves, and abusers much like the United States Justice System. This also allowed me to recognize that I was very judgmental.
Allowing myself to become free from the pain and suffering in my life opened my heart to create the best intentions possible. We reap what we sow in life. Discovering my shadow within was hard; in fact I ran away from it most of life until I got to a point that I needed to be the change I wanted to see in the world (Gandhi).
With Meditation, I began to discover that reliving my past and pain in life was controlling my presence moment. I allowed my past and pain to control my life for so long that I began to yearn for more control over my life.
I made the mistake of trying to control my narrative of my life not my thoughts, actions, or behaviors. Healing and being delivered by God allowed me to gain control in areas in my life that were necessary, which was living a conscious life of positive intentions, thoughts, behavior, attitude, and actions. I discovered that controlling anything above that was too much for me.
All I could do was accept the journey in my life and embrace the shadow within because it allowed me to grow as a person. So, learning from my mistakes by choosing not to live as a victim anymore, but co-creator of your life by creating more positive intentions, thoughts, behavior, attitude, and actions.
If you know you deserve better then now it is time to do so! I believe in you. The shadow within you does not make you a bad person, but human.
Our shadow is meant to promote us to tell our stories, and share our humanistic experience on earth. The shadow within allows you to have empathy and more compassion for others because you understand their circumstance and situation. So, use your gift to do so because you matter in this life; not because I said so but God did.
Romans 12:3-8 NIV, For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”