I have spent countless years searching for someone to accept me for who I am. That is where people pleasing came in. I felt that if I gave my all to my relationships with people. I would finally receive the acceptance I always desired in my heart.
After being lied on and facing my name and my character being scrutinized and contaminated in a public work setting for child abuse. My past of childhood trauma of verbal, emotional ,sexual, physical abuse ,and seeing domestic violence threatening my future. I was facing financial issues.
Life had others subjecting their negative energy on me, negative rumors from my family members about my life decisions and intentions, past friendships who only considered my worth as giving advice and material things, and losing a close friend to Cancer. Life had me wounded after my partner was in almost deadly car-accident, facing prison charges, and having a child outside me.
While having a intimate relationship where my intentions and love was always questioned much like it was as a child to my parents. I even came across my purpose and promise being questionable in my sight. I wanted to run and call this spiritual life quits. Life had me imprisoned in my mind.
Life left me in a stance of being bitter, exhausted, confused, and broken- hearted. I tried to fit in with the crowd of being drunk and high. While partaking in sexual immorality with others.
I was using my mouth as a weapon to defend my heart from damage it had already went through. I was starting to be the abuser that I despised so much. I was hiding who I was in the face of others while calling out to God behind closed doors. I refused to let anyone see me sweat.
How could I give my all in everything, and the void in my heart was still the same? How could I be surrounded by people everyday of my life and no one could understand or see what I am going through?
Everyday I felt something tugging at my heart. The feeling of being tugged in the heart is uncomfortable. Where my heart was being tugged, irritation came along. Irritation is an annoying feeling that I sometimes cannot handle. Little did I know that irritation feeling was God trying to get my attention while continuing to tugged at my heart with a poke.
Life had me watching T.D. Jakes sermons to heal my pain ,and searching for a word to keep me high. Eating food to repress my pain, shopping to feed my ego, and keeping myself busy so I will not have time to give to God.
Life had me laying in my bed and on the floor crying out for mercy alone! Asking God how could I be doing everything right and suffering was following? I was mad at God ,but I was too embarrassed to admit it. Despite my pain, I was still serving God and his people. I believed in his good work, but I did not trust it in the process. What a contradiction huh?
The enemy enjoyed watching me suppress my life with embarrassment, shame, guilt, hurt, pain, and sorrow. He wanted me to believe that my future was pointless, and I would stay bitter about life like the others in my family.
He told me that I would never and I was not worthy of having a family of my own, so I should continue to slave myself for others to prove that I am. He told me that I was not worthy of God’s love, my purpose, and my promise. The enemy sent people to regurgitate those same words spoken to me, so that the will of God would not be accomplished.
I could hear the Lord telling me to let him in. I need you! Don’t slip away and don’t give up! The truth was, it is was hard to let God in because I had been disappointed by those I loved for too long. I could not stand to feel another feeling of being disappointed again.
God needed my attention so heavily, he would send me visual signs, YouTube videos, quotes, and conversations with strangers. For some reason, I was not getting the clue. Truth was, I was not ready to get the clue.
God pointed me to the word Grace by allowing me to learn the true meaning of his Grace. God told me, he extended his grace on me, everything I went through, and things I had done. He told me Jesus paid the way for my sufferings and sins a long time ago! I didn’t need to nurse that pain anymore.
The Lord pointed to Isaiah 53:3-12 CEV speaks
“He was hated and rejected; his life was filled with sorrow and terrible suffering. No one wanted to look at him. We despised him and said, “He is a nobody!” He suffered and endured great pain for us, but we thought his suffering was punishment from God. He was wounded and crushed because of our sins; by taking our punishment, he made us completely well.
All of us were like sheep that had wandered off. We had each gone our own way, but the Lord gave him the punishment we deserved. He was painfully abused, but he did not complain. He was silent like a lamb being led to the butcher, as quiet as a sheep having its wool cut off.
He was condemned to death without a fair trial. Who could have imagined what would happen to him? His life was taken away because of the sinful things my people had done. He wasn’t dishonest or violent, but he was buried in a tomb among cruel, rich people.
The Lord decided his servant would suffer as a sacrifice to take away the sin and guilt of others. Now the servant will live to see his own descendants. He did everything the Lord had planned. By suffering, the servant will learn the true meaning of obeying the Lord. Although he is innocent, he will take the punishment for the sins of others, so that many of them will no longer be guilty.
The Lord will reward him with honor and power for sacrificing his life. Others thought he was a sinner, but he suffered for our sins and asked God to forgive us.”
Much like the Bible verse above, God revealed that my suffering was not just for myself but it was for the kingdom of God. I am his servant much like Jesus was on earth. My pain was not just for me, but for others who were suffering much like myself. God needed me to be humble in the spirit and bold in action.
So, in the beginning I was asking God who was going to accept me for who I am in my heart. God revealed in the end that he is the only one who could fulfill that void of acceptance in my heart.
All along God had not forsaken me, but he was waiting on me to surrender my heart. Surrendering my heart meant he could finally trust me in seeing the bigger picture of my sufferings.
My suffering was not for punishment, but it was to share my pain to others who could not see God or hear God in their circumstances or situations. So, to answer my question about whose going to accept me? God is! In the beginning it was God and in the end it will be God who can accept me! Therefore, I should not look for it in anyone else. Revelation 22:13 CEV,”I am Alpha and Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.”
In my heart I replied to God saying Psalms 119:7 “ I will do right and praise you by learning to respect your perfect laws. I will obey all of them! Don’t turn your back on me.